give the strategy time to work

How much more time? The Iraq invasion has been going for four years now. How much more time? 6 months? One year? two years? Five years? How much more time? And if this strategy fails, will the Coalition of the Willing come up with another alternative strategy or will it realise it can't be done?
If this was a professional boxing match, the referee would have stopped the fight ages ago and called in the doctor. We should never have been there in the first place. Saddam Hussein was bad and so is Robert Mugabe and so was the apartheid regime in South Africa. Why was Saddam Hussein different that the Iraqi people needed to be treated this way? To call the misery being endured by the Iraqis a victory for freedom really makes one wonder.
What is at stake here is ego. Like the Monty Python sketch of the knight who doesn't know when enough is enough and is delimbed until he is nothing but a head in a helmet, so too is the mess that is Iraq. Ego, stupidity, pride, selfishness, stubborn-ness. It doesn't matter about misery of the living and the deaths of the innocents.

Oh darling John, what's wrong?

You're so upset.
Oh sweet ever faithful Jan, my most loyal fan. Alas my heart is broken. They don't love me anymore.
Who diddums? Who doesn't love you?
The voters. They are saying horrible things that I'm not likeable like I used to be and that I'm arrogant and not trustworthy.
There there Honeybunch. They're only voters. What would they know. And anyway, at least they're not saying you're mean and tricky like they used to.
Oh, but woe, what am I going to do? I like to be liked. I had such a wretched childhood from being teased for being a four-eyed nerd.
Well. That's it then. We'll tell your childhood myth. Just like Rudd. We'll go on A Current Affair and tell them about your sad upbringing.
Oh really Jan my sweetness? Really do you think it'll work? Oh I knew I could count on you. You turn my sorrow into hope and my darkness into light.
Yes, we'll do that and then also we'll go on Bert's Family Feud - you, me and two of the kids. All those contestants are popular. I'll send in a nomination form today. Bert is so good at building people up and making them feel good about themselves. Let's see how Mr Smarty-pants Rudd like that!

Iraq - 4 years on.

Us heartless, selfish, stubborn and stupid people of power. We feel really proud. We showed that Saddam Hussein not to mess with us. 60 thousand dead - minimum. Doesn't matter. At least Saddam Hussein is dead now too. Yair, we got 'im.

War leaders we are. Stupid men and one silly woman who intend to shape the world in our image.

60 thousand dead - minimum. What did you do for the sake of Humanity, Daddy? I killed 60 000 Iraqis.

What's more, we're Christians. We did the Lord's work for him. Killed all them 60 000 mainly Moslems to save him the trouble. Plus about 4000 soldiers from our Christian countries. But that was just collateral damage.

60 thousand dead - minimum. Iraq, four years on. We're winning, we're winning. 60 thousand dead - minimum.

Staff Meeting, PM's Office

Present: PM; Leader of the House; Chief of Staff; Whip; Press Officer; Liberal Party Executive Director. (footnote: General Secretary is a term for less prestigious Union type organisations).
PM: Let's get down to business. A right stuff up you've made of things. I've been away for 10 days - 10 days - and look at what I've come back to. Tony, what's on today? A thanksgiving service in Innisfail. And where have you got me? In Parliament! You're not thinking. The cyclone was a year ago. That means anniversary. Where should the Leader of the Nation be on an anniversary? Where the cameras are! Gabrielle, what positive news have you got in the papers? There's some shonky journo writing about me as a circus master and pulling rabbits out of a hat! That's the news. Where is the story of me being an elder Statesman in the Middle East? Brian, a fat lot of good you've been you slack-a#$%. How many more misdemeanors have our members been up to? Andrew, what support has the Party been giving me? Stuff all. Now for all the public liability that Brian Burke is seen to be, he can get things done. Get on to him on the side - ask ASIO how you do it surreptitiously - and get some pointers from him. Take a brown paper bag with you and tell him you'll double it if the meeting stays out of the papers till after the election. Ryan, get me a schedule of all the anniversaries. Mix them up - the sad with the solemn with the happy ones. Get me some new outfits - budgie smugglers for starters. They seem to have made even the international press take notice. Some riding boots and a pair of jeans and find out where the next rodeo is on. We also need to appeal more to the hippy culture and the Gay and Lesbians so get me some leathers and feathers and invite a few of them say 20 over to the Lodge. What are you staring at? If you lot had been doing your job I could have been spared this anguish. I can just imagine Jan's face. How she will explain it to the Bishop I don't know.

from the National 20 Mar

Unitech crisis ends. BY PETER KORUGL.
AN independent team will look into the allegations made by the National Academic Staff Association (NASA) against the University of Technology administration. This was one of the key points agreed to by the university council and NASA members over the weekend. The crisis resolution had encouraged the more than 2,000 students to return to their classes yesterday after being away for about three weeks and brought an end to uncertainty, frustrations and fears within the campus. University sources said the terms of reference for the team, yet to be announced, would be drawn up and agreed to sometime this week.The Ombudsman Commission would also investigate the allegations, many of which are “serious”, according to Morobe Governor Luther Wenge. Mr Wenge had met the NASA executives at the height of the crisis at the Taraka campus. The independent team was expected to present their findings after the third or fourth week. If there were sufficient evidence of mismanagement and malpractices at the university, then the senior executive management will be sidelined and the Ombudsman will take over, the source said. The issues were resolved by NASA members and the council over the weekend, leading to the signing of the agreement. The crisis resolution had encouraged the more than 2000 students to return to their classes yesterday after being away for about three weeks and brought an end to uncertainty, frustrations and fears within the campus. The students had feared that the current academic year could have been wasted and that they would have to come back next year to repeat their courses. “They (students) are back in classes and everything is very quiet on campus,” a source in the student representative council told The National.

Prime Minister, welcome to Iraq again.

President Maliki, how good to see you again. My troops are looking after things?
Yes of course. The support for me among my countrymen is so small, I am very happy to have outside asssitance to prop up my regime.
Good, I'm glad to hear it. Now if you would be so kind as to repeat that for the cameras. It will lend legitimacy to what I am telling my people back in Australia. And if you could pour a bucket of mud on the Opposition Leader that would be good.
Gather round everybody. Good, I see weve got all the major networks here. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, President Maliki and I have concluded our talks and we will take questions.
Prime Minister, before we take questions, allow me as your host to say a few words. My country and my family appreciate the measures Australia has taken to prop up my regime. This is bold thinking from a bold man of steel. I request you keep your troops here. Opposition Leader Rudd should remember what it was like living in a car and he ought to spare Iraqis the same fate. Iraq needs the boldness of your Prime Minister. Thank you. No further questions.

Zimbabwe is barbaric

"The Prime Minister, John Howard, says the Zimbabwean Government's violent suppression of its political opponents is barbaric. He says one of the major reasons that President Robert Mugabe has remained in power and presided over the destruction of his country is that Zimbabwe's neighbours, particularly South Africa, have failed to exert the pressure they could have."
So John what does this mean?
That it's all Rudd's fault?
Well yes, that too. But remember who else was barbaric? And what did you do?
Kim Beazeley? Barak Obama? Malcolm Fraser?
Yes, them too, but remember Sadd..? Saddam Huss...? Saddam Hussein? Ir..? Iraq?
Oh yes. Saddam Hussein. Yes it's all coming back to me. I invaded Iraq. Great military war time Prime Minister I was. Yes, it's all coming back to me. And I called Beazeley No Ticker Kim. Yes. I should bomb the shitter out of the Zimbabweans. Take a moral position. I will fight them on the beaches. I will never surrender. Great war time leader. And accidentally I win a fifth term as Prime Minister?
Well done John.

from the National 19th March 07

"More lecturers to leave Unitech. By PETER KORUGL.
MORE national lecturers plan to resign from their positions at the PNG University of Technology in Lae, Morobe province.The planned resignations are over the treatment their counterparts received in the current dispute between the council and the National Academic Staff Association (NASA).The National was told by several senior academics that some of those were experienced lecturers, including acting departmental heads.“I am going. I am just sorting out a few things before I go,” one acting head of department said over the weekend.Many of them were with the university for many years and were going into the private sector, joining a group of people who had resigned to go contest the elections.Those who resigned last year were served with eviction notices last Friday and the notices were expected to be served on NASA members who resigned en masse last week. Chancellor Philip Stagg told a student meeting at the height of the crisis that the council would recruit new staff to ensure classes started today.Sources said it would take the university at least four months to recruit new people to fill in the vacant positions.Classes at the university may start today – that is if national academics agree to get back into their jobs.NASA members were reviewing their position, with the option to reapply for reinstatement into their positions at the 13 academic departments.NASA last night said its members had met and looked at the details of the Memorandum of Agreement and it would put its position to the council that would lead to the signing of an agreement.“Certain details of the MoA are being looked into by the members. We have our lawyer here so he is going to meet with the members tonight,” caretaker president Loko Anota said.Lae police are on full alert and will move into the Taraka and Bulolo campuses should the continued stand-off between NASA and the council escalates into rampage by the students who felt victimised in the dispute and were frustrated because they were not in classes.There is calm but uneasiness at the university as the negotiations to end the dispute continue. "

so now we've got to stay in Iraq

until we've got rid of the terrorists in there.
What bloody peanut was responsible for getting the terrorists into Iraq? There were none there in Saddam's time. Victory was declared in about May 2003 against the background of a sign on the USS Aircraft Carrier "Mission accomplished". We did not go in for regime change but to satisfy ourselves there were no WsMD. There were none so why are we still there? If we were not about regime change then why did we change the regime? The bullshit, the lies, the hypocricy. Too bad about the shattered lives of the poor bloody Iraqis.

Beryl love, come quick

it's our Prime Minister. My, doesn't he remind you of Churchill? That battle jacket he's got on. He must have nerves of steel. I mean he's not only got a country to run but there he is looking completely Churchillian fighting a war. The only thing missing is the cigar. Visiting the troops among all 'em towel head terrorists. You wouldn't catch me over there. Suicide bombers, terrorists, Moslems, extremists. Wipe 'em all out. Bring back conscription and wipe 'em all out. That's about the only thing I could fault Howard on. We got no conscription. Bring back conscription that's what I say. And put all them Abo kids in the army to teach 'em a bit of work ethic. That's how to clean up Redfern and all them western towns. Put Sheik Hilali and that Ramdo Habib guy and David Hicks in the army. And all the other asylum seekers. Put 'em in the army and that'll prove how much they want to live here. Why should our kids have to risk their lives? All 'em asylum seekers - that 'd be the best citizenship test - make 'em kill ten terrorists and they can come here.
Oh Arthur, doesn't he remind you of Churchill? Remember Churchill in his battle jacket giving 'em Germans curry? I'll get us a cup o' tea love. Oooh I feel so proud once again.

Liberal Party room

Attention colleagues, let's give a big hearty welcome home to the most successful PM in history.
Yair-no, cut the crap Peter. I'm not in the mood for adulation. I'm pissed off with you. I leave the country for 10 days, I make myself a hero - nerves of steel the paper said I had - and what do I find when I come back? Another minister resigned, three colleagues under investigation in Brisbane, and NSW looking like a disaster zone for us in next week's election. What the f*&% has been going on? You're s'posed to be the deputy leader - which means you look after things while I'm away. Some job you've done. As for you Santo you bl&^%$ clown.
W-w-with due respect Prime Minister, you don't look too good yourself dining out with porno kings.
With due respect be buggered Santo. You got no respect at all. None of you. You're just riding on the coat-tails of my popularity. And if I fail you all fail. Just remember that without me you're nothing. All that effort of mine, risking my life in visiting the troops, being smoked out of a plane, all that valuable photo op footage and I might as well stayed at home wa#^%& myself. Sweet Janette is heartbroken. All my effort and for what she says. There's not another that can lie like I do - except maybe for Eric the merciless - she says. I'm the best bullshitter in the business. I can con the tits off a bull. I'm as cunning as a shit-house rat. That's what I've built my reputation on. And you jokers can't take a trick without me. I'm going off to confession. Eric, you take over and try to teach 'em a thing or two about the art of bullshit and being sly and cunning. Santo, you'd better come with me and confess your stupidity. Waste o' space all o' you. Waste o' space.

Peter? John here.

Yair-no Peter, how'd my secret mission to Afghanistan go down with the viewers? Did you see me there with the troops? They just couldn't get over my bravery in visiting them. They felt really proud when they shook the hand of THEIR Prime Minister. Have the polls picked up for us yet?
Well Prime Minister, it's a bit too early to tell. After all it only happened yesterday.
Yes, I suppose so. Look Peter, the football kick offs are on this weekend so I want you to ring around the clubs and find out which ones would be honoured if I could do the ceremonial kick off for them. Try to get me on to the Brisbane one - that'll give Kevvy something to be smarmy about. They might just have to put the start of it back until midnight because my plane won't get there before that time. But I'm sure for the honour of my doing it then it won't be a problem. And then get me on to the official party for the Harbour Bridge celebrations. Yair, the Sydney Harbour Bridge. You're just so Melbourne Peter. Sydney Harbour Bridge. Everyone knows it. Yair, it does sound a bit ordinary doesn't it? What do you think of Howard Boulevarde? Get one of the staff to write a letter to the Editor to suggest renaming it in honour of our Greatest Prime Minister. Yair and I'll be watching the World Cup Cricket replay against Lichtenstein so let the Press Gallery know they will be able to get vision of me jumping up and down when we win. They love that sort of thing. It works well with the voters too. You should learn some of these tips Pete. Budget's coming along alright Peter is it? See you when I get back.

heff mate, how you going?

Yair-no, John Howard mate, Australia. Loved the last Playboy, Heff. Yair some really top articles. Yair-no Heff, I was just calling, like, we've got a fundraiser on for me. We got a bit of a tuff election on this time. I was hoping you might be able to come over and help us out like? Yair-no, I thought if you brought over a few of your Playboy bunnies. You know, a lot of good upstanding God, Queen and Country Liberal party supporters who'd appreciatiate your business acumen if you know what I mean?
Well John dude, Seein' as y'all a good friend of our President now I wouldn't mind helping out. I could survey the Ausssie talent scene while I'm there.

I knew I had a rat in the flat

when my NICE biscuits had been chewed, along with half a banana. I don't like rats - or mice or snakes. I have had to kill two snakes before for lurking around my school but I like to leave them alone. But rats and mice frighten me. As for spiders - even red backs - I like them. They are good pets and require no looking after. You go for a holiday and they have survived your absence. I like that independence and self reliance in a pet. It shows a level of maturity that dogs and cats and gold fish don't have.
So I see this rat scurry across the floor and lurk behind Robert's stuff. I leave out gumboot glue trap and poison pellets. Then one night I went upstairs to my bedroom and I see a rat scurry up over the louvres and escape through a hole in the gauze. It comes back a bit later after lights out and was trying to get back in. I banged on the louvres and it took off but I had visions of its coming back in and gnawing by ears and toes while I was sleeping.
On Tuesday afternoon I returned home and noticed a black blob near Robert's stuff. I pulled everything out away from the wall, banging boxes as I went to frighten it to go outside so I wouldn't have it running over my feet. I lifted out the last box and trapped the rat with a rake. It must have been full of rat poison as it was hardly moving. I threw it outside by means of the rake and the dogs did the rest. Then I discovered why it liked Robert's stuff - it had eaten the bees wax out of his digeridoo. I disinfected the area to remove the rat germs. That's the second one in my time here.

from the National 15th March

"Tension high at Unitech
MEMBERS of the Student Representative Council (SRC) at the PNG University of Technology are stepping down as tension on the campus rise and the crisis worsens with the academic year in doubt following the resignation of over 60 national lecturers. The National Court also ordered yesterday that four leaders of the National Academic Staff Association (NASA), who are on bail be arrested again and brought to Port Moresby to face a judge for contempt. The SRC leaders have offered to resign if no solution is found to allow classes to begin on Monday. No one wants to admit it but tension is running high as panic grips the students that their academic year may be in doubt. Many of them are angry and frustrated over the delay in classes brought about by the deadlock in the negotiations between the NASA and the university council and the subsequent mass resignation of academics last Sunday. “We are urging the students to stay calm. There is panic here following NASA members’ decision to resign from their respective jobs. We the student leaders cannot say for certain what will happen on Monday, when the students find that they cannot go to classes,” one student leader said. NASA caretaker president Dr Loko Anota yesterday said they were still waiting for a response from the council on their resignation letters. Meanwhile, in Port Moresby Justice Ambeng Kandakasi issued fresh orders for the four top executives of NASA to be arrested again, and this time be detained until they are brought to Port Moresby to face him. The four were arrested last Sunday for contempt of court but released on bail, but failed to appear before Justice Kandakasi in a hearing yesterday. The four NASA executives are president Pulas Yowat, his deputy Robert Songan, secretary Raymond Bure and treasurer Gibson Tito. Lawyers explained to the judge that the four were part of the 64 staff who resigned on Sunday over the impasse with the Unitech administration, and were no longer considered staff of the university. The two disputing parties had also agreed to drop the contempt charges and that NASA members had agreed to return to classes on the condition that the current university administration was sidelined. But Justice Kandakasi said the contempt of court charges were not for the union members and the university council to deal with in their deliberations. “The issue before this court is about the contempt charges. The issue against the NASA members are now a court matter and must be dealt with in this court,” Justice Kandakasi pointed out and ordered that there be another warrant of arrest issued for the arrest of the four academics. Justice Kandakasi said the NASA executives had also breached their bail conditions when they were released. He said once the four executives were arrested they were not to be allowed bail until they are transferred to Port Moresby to appear before him."

naa it's not true, I'm much more racist

than Rudd is. He's lying again. Us Libs went to war with the slopeheads in Vietnam. Us Libs went to war with the towelheads in Iraq, us Libs refuse to say sorry to the Aborigines. You can't get more racist than that. We don't take no s*** from no-one. Not even from Australian Citizen Mr David Hicks in Guantamo Gaol. Rudd is a wuss and a wimp. He's got no ticker, no spine, no nothin'. Look at me. I'm as racist as racist. The only reason the Sheik hasn't called me a racist is that he knows I'll bash him up down at the beach. He's protecting his skin. He's not afraid of Rudd because Rudd is a softy. Rudd wants to stop bombing the towelheads and shooting 'em up. Look at me though. I'm in there givin'em curry - them towelheads. They know not to mess with me. And Rudd wants to bring that towelhead-lovin' Australian Citizen Mr David Hicks home. That's not racist. He just wants to try to copy my policies. Come on Sheik, call me a racist - yair you're not game. Please, please call me a REAL racist. Rudd's only a PLASTIC racist compared to me. Please Sheik. I'll let you watch the invasion of Iran on my big screen tele at Kirribilli.

yair Brian, it's Kevin Rudd here

Kev you old b*&%*. I thought you must've died. I haven't seen you for 18 months.
Yair well Brian you know how it is, self interest and all that.
Of course, don't worry about it. Self Interest is a great champion. Now how can I help.
Well we reckon we can go after the racist vote and that's where we need your help. If we can show the racists that we're more racist than Howard then we've got the election stitched up.
Yair, go on, I'm listening. Where do I come in?
Well if you could lobby Sheik Hilali and get him to denounce me as an Islamophobe, then that is more than Howard has been called. He's never been called an Islamophobe. Think of what we can do with our advertising. "Rudd is an Islamophobe: Officially denounced by the Sheik; Official - Rudd more racist than Howard." Think about it. How are the Libs going to beat that one?
That's pretty clever Kev. Listen, after the election, would you like to come and work for me?

from the National Wed 14 March

"NASA members resign en masse. By PETER KORUGL.
ALL MEMBERS of the National Academic Staff have resigned en masse from their respective jobs in protest over the way they were treated by the Lae-based PNG University of Technology.Their resignations have thrown the entire 2007 academic year into doubt.Sixty-four members, from both the Taraka and Bulolo campuses, handed in their resignations to the university administration on Monday and yesterday handed copies to the University Council and the Office of Higher Education.“We were forced into doing this. We want the students to understand our action and maintain calm,” Dr Loko Anota, caretaker president of NASA said.“There is still time for the council to reconsider. There are still three more days before Monday” he said, after he and his team returned from a meeting with Ombudsman John ToGuata and Dr William Takis from the Office of Higher Education and council members.“The NASA members have resolved to collectively and individually submit their resignations to the registrar of the PNG University of Technology effective as of 10pm, Sunday, March11.“We therefore, request that all our severance benefits and entitlement be sorted out immediately,” the staff said in their letter.They wrote that “regrettably the decision was based on the fact that we have lost total confidence in the current senior executive management (SEM) and the council, hence our resignation en mass.”In the letter addressed to the registrar, they said this would have been avoided of the SEM were sidelined to allow for an independent investigation to take its course.“We have come to realise and learn today that the SEM is part of the council. NASA’s case against the SEM not only has been downplayed but that council has employed heavy handed tactics and intimidation against NASA members and executives, which are disproportionately excessive and highly traumatising for members and their families to bear.“This cannot be tolerated any more and enough is enough,” they explained in their letter.The resignations affect the 13 academic departments and the distance education program run by the university. Ten of the members have PhDs, most with masters and a few with bachelors’ degrees. All have been with Unitech for 15 years or more.Following the mass resignation, students urged the Government to intervene and get the local academics to return to classes on Monday.“The Government must step in, sidelined the senior management and bring the lecturers back to classes,” a student said. The Minister for High Education David Basua last night sent a letter, congratulating the NASA members for signing the memorandum of agreement on Monday night.Mr Basua said following the agreement, the NASA members should return to their classes.“I never signed any agreement. The minister has been misinformed,” Dr Anota said."

bless me father for I have sinned

Is that you again John?
Yes Father. Father, I have to...
Wait up John. You're not going to tell me you've told more lies are you?
Well yes, as a matter of fact I was. How did you know?
John, you're reputation is such that I don't believe you when you tell me you have sinned. You've got no cred with God. He doesn't believe you when you say sorry and I don't believe you when you say you've sinned.
Oh but Father, that is so unfair. You've been got at by Rudd haven't you?
John, we've been through this before. You are even President of Liar's Anonymous, but you refuse to name your problem. Even if you did say you were a liar, no-one would believe you. You are in a bind between a rock and a hard place. Do you understand what I mean?
Yes Father.
No you don't understand do you - you have lied to me again.

the cooling towers of power stations

Is it dishonest reporting or lazy or ignorant reporting? Whenever a news report on greenhouse warming and coal power stations is on, they show a picture of a cooling tower and condensing water coming out the top. That's all it is. Water vapour like you see in a cloud. It is dishonest to pass it off as smoke and yet that is the subliminal message the viewer is meant to get. Where is the smoke if all you can see is water vapour? Are the power stations not as dirty as the report want's the viewer to believe?

John darling, I can't sleep.

What's up Jan, Honey?
Well it's these polls. What if we do lose? What about our overseas trips? What about staying with the Emperor? And when would we ever get into Buckingham Palace again? And the papparazzi would stop taking our photo with important people. And if we are not living at Kirribilli any more, who is going to come and see us at Wollstonecraft? I can't imagine James Packer or Rupert Murdoch going anywhere there wasn't a water view. Some of these people are just so transparent. They only come for the food and the views. It's almost as though we weren't there at all.
Oh darling, you're upsetting yourself over nothing. We'll still have George and Laura to see.
Yes but in two years they'll be nobodies as well. And they are so far on the nose with their own people we might not want to be seen with them.
Well we might just sell out of Wollstonecraft and move out to Penrith to be with the people who really love us, Howard's Battlers. I've done so much for them I think they are going to name a park in our honour. What about that? Jan? Jan? Hey honey are you alright?

John and Jan in bed

John darling, I'm worried about the polls. You don't think this is the beginning of the end for us do you?
Jan my little pet, I'm worried too but I need to show a brave face. It'll be alright. I've turned things around before.
Yes but Honey, this time it seems serious. Did you notice how many people were at the airport to farewell us this time? There was such a crush. And compared to when we just came back from Indonesia there were so few welcomers. It is almost as if the people wanted us to stay away.
People are fickle darling. Even Julius Caesar recognised that. Besides I've got some tricks up my sleeve. Tony Blair said he would make me a Knight so we can be Sir John and Lady Howard and in return I will teach him how to lie and be as popular as I am.
Oh John darling, I would so love that. The very sound of it. Lady Howard. Imagine the tea parties I could have when we retire. Won't Tammy be jealous. Lady Howard requests the pleasure of the company of Mrs Tammy Fraser. Oh won't she scowl at that!
And then I'm going to move Anzac Day to the Friday before the election and that way my record as a patriot and great war time leader with military ancestry is foremost in the minds of the voters.
But won't that upset the Diggers?
No, I've told them that we need to make Anzac Day more relevant to the younger generation and so I am linking our democracy with fought for freedom, the things that Father and Grandfather fought for, to occur together. Anzac Day on the Friday and vote for Freedom and Democracy for me on the Saturday. I can just see Rudd squirming now with the indignation and another lost election for Labor.
Wouldn't it be much simpler while you've got control of Parliament to make yourself Dictator for Life? Surely all your colleagues would support that. And it is nothing less than we deserve.
Yes, I'll think about that Honey. Goodnight.

John, why do you lie?

John, now listen up John willya. You gotta stop lyin' mate. It's gonna get you into trouble. Now John, this morning you told me, "The Government is not concerned about about an opinion poll predicting devastating losses for the Coalition" and then you also tell me, you cannot ignore the Government's recent poor poll results. Then you also tell me there's only one poll that counts John. Now John which one is it - that you are not concerned or that you can't ignore or there's only one poll that counts? John mate, you're gonna do damage to your crutch if you stand with legs astride a barb wire fence like that. Besides John, you gotta start accepting some blame. You're not taking this on the chin John. The punters are telling YOU something John and you are not hearing them. You said "Labor has successfully created the impression that it doesn't matter who is in Government." What are you sayin' John - that the punters are stupid and that Labor has tricked them with a prestidigitation David Wotsisname show? The 4% that decide elections are not stupid John. Mate, John, mate, you been lyin' for years. You gotter go to confession. But see even there John, I don't think you've got much cred with God either John. Go and study the 8th Commandment about not bearing false witness John. But seriously John, I think the punters are telling you they've had enough of you. If you love us so much, would you do anything for us John? You would? Then call an early election and get the hell outer here John. Oh, you don't love us that much after all. Another one of your lies John.

From the National 12 March 07

"NASA 4 arrested By PETER KORUGL.
HEAVILY armed police moved into the PNG University of Technology in Lae and arrested the executives of the National Academic Staff Association (NASA) last Saturday morning as students prepared to start classes under an agreement reached between NASA and the University Council. President of NASA Pulas Yowat said last night they were in bed when police entered the campus at about 2am and arrested them and took them to the Lae Police cell. The four are Yowat, his deputy Robert Songan, treasurer Gibson Tito and secretary Raymond Bure, who were charged with contempt of court for failing to obey a court order. A judge had issued orders for their arrest last week, but police did not act on it until the early hours of Saturday morning. It is understood, armed policemen slipped into the campus to effect the arrest in the hours least expected of them to avoid such an action, provoking staff or students into violent confrontation. Each man paid a bail of K1,200 and were awaiting their court appearance, while the members of NASA were deciding the next course of action to take following the arrest of the executives. While Mr Yowat is under orders of the court not to speak to NASA members, members have appointed Dr Anota Loko as caretaker their president. Dr Loko late yesterday struck a deal with Chancellor Philip Stagg paving the way for classes to start next week.Sources said that under a memorandum of agreement (MoA) signed yesterday between Mr Stagg and Dr Loko, contempt charges against the NASA executives would be dropped. It has also been agreed that while lecturers and students start classes, the Ombudsman Commission will conduct an investigation into the allegations raised by NASA that resulted in the strike. Mr Stagg has also given his assurance that no NASA member would be terminated because of the strike, while classes start today. The Ombudsman Commission’s director of operations John ToGuata is in Lae and was involved in getting the two sides and student leaders to reach some understanding to save the academic year. Meanwhile, the situation at the Taraka campus remains tense. The National was informed that the NASA executives were restrained from taking part in any of the activities. Staff at the university said the threat by Chancellor Stagg to sack all NASA members and recruit news ones would not work as it would take up to four months to fill in all positions."

How honest would you call someone

who told you they were Liberal but in actual fact were Conservative?
PM Howard is trying to stain Opposition leader Rudd as a dishonest man who has no sense of judgement. PM Howard boasts he is the most conservative PM in Australia's history but he gets himself elected as a Liberal politician. Liberal used to be about the values of people like Senator Peter Baume, Fred Chaney, Wal Fife, Andrew Peacock, Ian McFee among so many others. They were liberal and so they were in the Liberal Party which was a party for liberal people. It was not a party for socialists or conservatives or environmentalists or farmers or trade unionists. It was a political party for liberals.
But instead of starting his own party and calling it the Conservatives, the cunning little rodent has taken over the Liberal Party. He keeps the name Liberal because that has a nice warm and fuzzy image in the mind of the electorate. And this bloke has the hide to deride other people as dishonest? In the bush there used to be Butcher's Farewells for people like that: they'd shove a leg of lamb up the backside of the rogue and sool the dogs onto him. It's time the Battlers' Friend was given a Butcher's Farewell.

PM is released from Prison

Gaoler: Righto Brown, you're free to go. Sign here.
PM: Good day and good riddance and no thanks at all.
Police Officer standing in waiting: One moment please PM.
PM: Oh good, I am still recognised by somebody. Yes, you have a Commonwealth Car to take me back to Kirribilli?
Police Officer: No, I am arresting you for avoiding custody. Return this man to gaol.
PM: But but but this is outrageous. You can see I have just come out of custody. I have served one day sentence which the judge prescribed.
Police Officer: No, Bill Brown served one day. John Howard has been on the run. Lock him away for one day original sentence and one day for avoiding lawful custody.
Gaoler: Yair, what's you name?

Prime Minister arrives at Long Bay Gaol

Yair, what's your name?
PM to himself thinks: "Oh the ignominy and shame of it all. My life's career has come to this. What will the family think to have our name besmirched in the register of common criminals?"
PM to Gaoler says: You know who I am.
Listen arsehole, what's your expletive deleted name?
PM replies: Bill Brown.
Gaoler: Is that your real name?
PM: It's the name I gave you.
Gaoler: Lock him up. Give him a set of prison clothes. Let him have Fred Nirks' old ones - he'd only worn then for a couple days before his release. Next! What's your name....

"In the Matter of Hicks versus the Prime Minister

I find in favour of the Plaintiff, Citizen of Australia, Mr David Hicks. The Defendant the Prime Minister is sentenced to one day in gaol. The shame and the ignominy otherwise serve as sufficient retribution for your reckless lack of appreciation of what Citizenship of Australia means. Take the Defendent to prison."
But, but but Your Honour, can I just say farewell to darling Janette?
Very well, you have one minute.
Oh John Darling. You know who is behind this. That dreadful Rudd man. You really haven't been yourself since he got in. Voters have become so course and vulgar, they do not deserve you. Very well, let them have Rudd and they will soon come imploring you to be their Leader once again. Think Kim Jong Il, think Saddam Hussein, think Mao Tse Dung, think Yasser Arafat, think Fidel Castro. All beloved by their people. I love you my darling hunk, beloved Prime Minister of my Bed and esteemed Custodian of the Bountiful Welfare of the People of Australia. Always remember Darling, the People adore you for your economic policies. Fair Daffodil, I weep to see you haste away so soon."

The Monk and the Cardinal

I think it was about the time of the last Federal Election in Australia and there was some allegation of Tony Abbot's meeting with the Cardinal George Pell - not that I could see anything wrong with that. But he was asked and asked and he denied and denied that such a meeting ever took place. And then on Lateline one night the presenter guy says to Tony, "Well what would you say if I've got a witness who claims that such a meeting took place last week?" Tony did not look pleased - "Oh yes I do remember now" - and after the interview he suggested to the presenter guy that he would remember being embarrassed for being caught out, in such a way that concrete boots, mafia and disappearnace should not be far from the presenter's sleep that night.

from the National 9th March

"Unitech uproar By FRANK RAIANGRY
Unitech students went on a rampage yesterday over remarks by a university council member that they had nothing to do with the stand-off between striking academic staff and the administration.Reports yesterday that police had moved in and arrested executives of the striking National Academic Staff Association could not be verified last night.The pent-up frustrations of students came to the fore as they hurled stones, bottles, sticks and other projectiles into the main administration building shattering class windows and walls. University council members and other VIPs, who attended the forum to address the students, had to be ushered into the safety of the building by university security guards as student leaders tried to calm down their charges. A forum was called outside the administration building, which houses the Vice-Chancellor Misty Baloiloi’s office, the university council room and pro-vice chancellors’ offices. The students demanded during the forum for the Baloiloi-administration to step aside immediately to allow NASA to return to work so they could attend classes. No classes have held over the last two weeks due to the NASA grievances.NASA members are on strike to press for a full-scale investigation into alleged mismanagement and other issues. The allegations have not been investigated since first raised last year. Instead the university administration went to court and sought court orders for staff to return to classes and for police to move in and arrest the executives of NASA.Concerned over adverse impact on students’ academic life, the students’ representative council led by acting president Cathy Magalu led a delegation to Port Moresby last weekend to seek intervention from the Office of Higher Education and the Minister for Higher Education David Basua but returned on Wednesday without any positive response and organised yesterday’s forum for students to hear it first hand from council members. When addressing the students, one of the council members, Mr Chris Alu, told about 2,000 anxious students they had nothing to do with the dispute which provoked them into shouting; “shut up, shut up” and that’s when students lost their cool. Some students swore at the council members and hurled missiles at them and as the VIPs including Mr Baloiloi and Chancellor Philip Stagg were ushered into the safety of the building, the students pelted the walls and windows with rocks. Police were already on campus but kept their distance and watched as the students ran riot. Some students, who were sympathetic to the administration, also challenged the angry students which almost ended up in an all-out brawl among the two groups.Some shouted and demanded for Mr Baloiloi’s suspension.Some senior students and the SRC leaders appealed for calm and brought the students under control. They re-gathered at the same venue and were addressed by Chancellor Stagg, who told them that the suspension of the administration was non-negotiable. This brought on another round of angry and abusive remarks from the students.Students approached by The National right after the uproar and said they were provoked by the negative remarks made by the council member.The students said they had paid the fees and should be in class but this was not the case as they waited patiently for two weeks for a resolution to the NASA-Unitech dispute but the administration was too stubborn and was using the courts to protect itself.They said the council had not dealt with the issues raised by NASA and that had prolonged the strike.“It is not fair when expatriate staff is teaching and their students are attending classes. Some of us are not in classes so it is better to suspend all classes and we all resume at the same time,” a student leader said.Police and security guards employed by the university were on full alert in case the forum got out of hand. Police mobile squads were stationed at the main gate all morning and movement of traffic and people into the campus was stopped while the meeting was in progress.Metropolitan police commander, Chief Inspector Simon Kauba urged the students to maintain calm on campus and wait for positive outcomes from the authorities.Mr Kauba said movement of people and traffic in and out of the campus would be allowed to continue as normal."

from the National 8th March

"University in turmoil. By FRANK RAI and JULIA DAIA-BORE.
THE University of Technology in Lae is headed for turmoil with court orders for police to move onto the campus today and arrest executives of striking National Academic Staff Association (NASA) members.The 100-plus academic staff, over a day-long barbeque at the university yesterday, pledged to offer themselves to be arrested as a group.Meanwhile, the Students Representative Council (SRC) leaders led by acting president Cathy Magalu returned to Lae yesterday after unsuccessful talks with the Commissioner of Higher Education Simon Kenehe, director of the Office of Higher Education Dr William Tagis, Chancellor of the University of Technology Philip Stagg and Minister for Higher Education David Basua. If no resolution is reached by today, the SRC representatives would resign en-mass and let the university administration deal directly with the whole student body. “If this happens, it can easily get out of hand because there are lot of radicals among the students who are already very angry about the situation,” a senior university official warned last night. An open forum is expected to be held at about 11am in front of the Vice-Chancellor Misty Baloiloi’s office today, where students would seek an immediate resolution to the crisis. Several members of the governing council of Unitech flew to Lae yesterday along with Mr Stagg and are expected to address the student body at the forum. Ms Magalu told The National last night they were not taking sides with either the university administration or NASA. “We just want to get back into classes. It is really unfair to us; we paid to come to classes only to find that we are being victimised,” she said.She said she and her SRC executives had decided to resign from their positions if the matter is not resolved by today. She said their meeting with Mr Basua wasn’t helpful as the minister said he could not do anything while the matter was in court. He also said the university was governed by an act of Parliament but he said he would express his concerns to Chancellor Philip Stagg. Among the points raised by the students is for the administration to stand down pending an investigation so that staff could return to normal duties. NASA members are on strike over allegations of mismanagement and want the Baloiloi-administration to stand down. The National Court in Waigani yesterday ordered the immediate arrest and detainment of the four executives of NASA after they defied a previous order to return to classes by 8am on Monday. It is understood this order will be affected today when police in Lae move into the campus to arrest NASA president Pulas Yowat, his deputy Robert Songan, and secretary Raymond Bure and treasurer Gibson Tito. Justice Ambeng Kandakasi said one would hope that as true Papua New Guineans, NASA members would consider the welfare of the innocent students. “Instead, we are bleeding the country, when we should be thinking of what we can do for our country than what our country can do for us,” Justice Kandakasi remarked when ordering the arrest of the executives. Mr Yowat told The National yesterday that they had expected that decision and were prepared to face the consequences. “All along, we were saying that we were prepared to go to jail. If it so happens that we are arrested, we will go to jail,” Mr Yowat said."

So that's what this Laming bloke

in Queensland has been up to. He's been squirrelling away his electoral allowance for stamps and printing so he has a big spending cache when it comes time for the election. He will have $67 000 printing credits. Anyone else who wants to contest his seat will have to fund their own printing costs but Laming will have his funded by the taxpayer. Such is democracy. Land of the free, home of the brave. But innocent, completely innocent of course until proven guilty in a court of law. Sort of like Australian Citizen, Mr David Hicks, completely innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Democracy, wonderful thing. We should bomb it into the Iranians and North Koreans. I wonder why we are not bombing it into the Zimbabweans? We're too soft. The Roman Emperors would have none of this. Those Gauls and Celts and Germani and Parthians they learnt obedience. Ah for the olden days.

Eric the Merciless

the lookalike of the Kremlin guy Alexander Putin now President, but once upon a time NKVD or KGB officer, used to be Special Minister of State for Electoral Affairs - code name for Boss in charge for keeping PM Howard in Office.
He held an "enquiry" about electoral funding and other election matters. One particular submission was that people who were not Members of Parliament but who were contesting the election had to resign from their job and get no income, they had to answer their mobile or home phone themselves, they had to buy their accommodation in pubs as they moved around the electorate, they had to buy stationery and printing supplies, they had to buy stamps and pay for phone calls, they had to buy petrol to put in their car, they had to make bookings for halls, they had to buy breakfast, lunch and dinner. On the other hand, a Member of Parliament who was recontesting his seat kept his office and staff. The staff answered his phone, booked accommodation, rang up to book meeting halls. The office paid for stamps and phone calls. The electoral allowance paid for petrol, meals and accommodation.
"Yair, so what? What's wrong with that?" says Eric the Merciless. "This is a democracy. People are free to stand for election if they want. They just have to pay, not like us sitting members."

"I am innocent, completely innocent

- until proven guilty."
"Yair, yair, tell that to the judge. Next guilty man who wants to declare his innocence step up now or forever hold your peace. Come one, come all. Innocence declarations heard now. Come and declare your innocence now. Oh yea oh yea!"

How interesting it is to hear how the innocent until he is proven guilty protestations are coming from all and sundry in the Liberal Party now that one or two of their own have been caught out in dodgy financial affairs/scandals/-gates. "Just remember innocent until proven guilty is the hallmark of our democratic way of life here in Australia, land of the brave and home of the free."

Forgive me I'm sure but does that apply to Mr David Hicks, Citizen of Australia prisoner in Gautamo Gaol for five years without trial?

Oh well it would, but he's in USA and they have different standards to us. God bless America, the home of the brave.

The State of Gravity. Or is it Graveness?

The seriousness of a political issue can be judged by how quickly it is tagged as "-gate." So far the business over Rudd and Burke is merely an "affair". When more mud is thrown and Saint Kevin begins to look more like The Blessed Kevin than fully canonised, the business becomes a scandal. By the time Tony and Peter and Eric the Merciless have finished with him and The Blessed Kevin now is drowning in a 3rd world pig sty of muck, the business can then be referred to as "Burke-gate". By which time St Kevin has become so wretched he is referred to simply as Mr Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister.
(from the Canterbridge New Dictionary of Journalese, 2007. p 456)

Memo: Members of the Press Gallery

The Prime Minister has noted the lack of quality journalism emanating the Canberra Gallery and to assist you with your journalistic efforts is kind enough to advise of the following functions for this week.
Monday, 8pm. PM watches replay of the historic 1948 Ashes series starring Sir Donald Bradman. PM advises he will jump out of his seat to provide a photo opportunity.
Tuesday, 8pm. PM watches replay of the historic 1956 Davis Cup final starring Lew Hoad and Ken Rosewall. PM will leap out of his seat and punch the air.
Wednesday, 8pm. PM watches replay of the opening of the 1956 Melbourne Olympic Games. PM will raise both hands when Menzies opens the Games.
Thursday, 8pm. PM watches of replay of Moon landing 1969. PM swings on ceiling fans at this triumph of American imperialism.
Friday. 8pm. PM watches replay of 1953 coronation of Queen Elizabeth. PM blesses himself when the Archbishop of Canterbury blesses the Queen.

Please make arrangements at the Press Office for your attendance and to pick up your passes. All viewings will be in the TV room at The Lodge.

Signed
S. Gordon Comequickly.
Press Officer.

Emergency Meeting, Liberal Party Room

PM: Colleagues, I don't need to tell you that mud fight against Rudd left us looking stupid and we know who to blame don't we Peter. Some future PM you're going to be - and a long way into the future unless you pull your head in.
Peter: Sorry PM. It won't happen again.
PM: So here's the plan. From now on Eric is gunna be in charge of mud throwing. He's very slippery and you all should learn from him. We're going to get back to basics and do the things I'm good at. Let's just go through my strengths again. Yes Tony, the first thing I'm good at is?
Tony: Lying. You are an excellent liar PM.
PM: Yes I know that but that's not what I mean. I mean Prime Ministerial things I'm good at. Alexander, you have a go.
Alexander: You know how to appeal to bogans and cricket yobbos?
PM: Yes, yes I know but classy things I'm good at. The boy that just got sacked - Ian, you have a go.
Ian: You show great enthusiasm when Australia wins at sport PM.
PM: Well done, that's good. Yes Julie?
Julie: You are very popular with the troops coming home? And you bless yourself well in Church?
PM: Yes, yes but just one at a time Julie. But that's very positive and encouraging Julie thank you. Yes Brendan?
Brendan: You are a great war-time leader PM?
PM: There we have it you see. I do have a lot of positive strengths. More than Rudd anyway. Squeaky voiced johnny come lately. I think I'm taller than him aren't I? Anyway, here's the plan. I need more photo ops with the troops coming home. Brendan, that was your idea so you look after that. Julie, go through the death notices and find someone important who's died so I can go to the funeral and bless myself. Not one like that Rocker who died and only had a concert. It has to be a Church funeral. Preferably Catholic where they dress up. Oh and see if you can get on to the Surfing Championships organisers and let them know I'd be avaiable to present the medals. That's it. Back to work everybody.

I have been a great believer

that having shat in Iraq's kitchen we should not leave until we have cleaned up our mess. I mean just have a look at the place - it was nothing like that four years ago when Saddam Hussein, cruel man that he was, was running it. We have good reason to feel guilty and to feel morally obliged to repair what we have destroyed. But I liken the situation to that of the drunken dinner guest who is nauseous at the table. He feels guilty and very embarrassed and he tries to clean up his mess with his serviette but manages only to spread it further and into the lap of his host while knocking over the crystal glasses and a bottle of champagne. "Oh, for God's sake just leave it," he is told. "I will call you a taxi. It has been nice of you to come. Good night."

Some things like Iraq cannot be made better no matter the guilt and the noble intentions to make reparations. We should have thought of that beforehand. The time has come for Iraq to call us a taxi.

the market at Wewak

Kevin Who

has become in the space of a week someone of such note that PM Howard has seen it necessary to throw mud at him. The irony is that had PM Howard left him alone, he would have faded like a supernova to a white dwarf by the time of the election.
I just loved that picture of the lying little rodent yesteday waving his Akubra to an imaginary crowd of well wishers.
When things are going well they compound. When things go badly, as they are for the PM Howard, he goes from bad to worse. What sort of judgement did he have in sacking a minister for getting in the way of mud throwing, and for being an inconvenient truth? A correct judgement would have been for Costello to apologise to Parliament: "Mr Speaker, I was wrong to attribute moral and political misjudgement on the basis of meeting with Mr Brian Burke. I realise that Mr Burke has served his time and as Christianity preaches, he should be forgiven, as I forgive him. Like Mr Prosser and Senator Campbell and many other worthy businessmen, the Leader of the Opposition should have nothing to fear by meeting with Mr Burke. Mr Speaker, I ask that my apology be accepted by the House."

As cunning as a shit house rat.

I hope no-one writes that as an epitaph for my life. I could tolerate lazy and conceited and incompetent, but I hope I am not cunning - that would be too much to bear.

PM JohnHoward is possibly the best politician in the world today. He possibly even ranks up there with Tricky Dicky Nixon of the USA - in fact, he might even surpass him. Pres Bush of USA and PM Blair of UK are tarnished as a result of Iraq but Howard scrapes kudos for being seen over there. War time leader. That looks so good on the CV of political history. Even Gough Whitlam and Malcolm Fraser could not claim War time leader on their CVs. Billy Hughes (WW1); John Curtin (WW2); Menzies (Korea); Wotsisname Holt, Gorton and MacMahon (Vietnam); Hawke (Iraq); and Howard (Iraq).

Best Politician is in the same category as best cheat, most successful thief, greatest con-man, biggest hypocrite, finest art fraud, cleverest forger.

The problem for Australia is that the bogans who control the political outcomes in Australian elections see superlatives as something to be admired. It is why they worship people like Ned Kelly. They can't distinguish between the superlative and the quality it is qualifying. They hear "best politician" and they think this must be an admirable quality. PM Howard, as cunning as a shit house rat, exploits them and they love it.

Hey, it works!

After being off line for exactly a month now my blog seems to work. The desktop is a little bit different but I posted something. Now it remains to be seen whether it stays on the blog site. Someother stuff just seems to have vanished into cyber space. Has anybody noticed any spare Outback to Jungle blogs hiding in their computers?

Senator Jesus Campbell

the man who laid down his ministerial portfoloio for the salvation of the Howard prime ministership. I believe! I see the truth! He Lives! He lives! Senator Jesus Campbell lives today! I have faith. Oh Senator Jesus Campbell, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief!

Blessed assurance too by Holy Spirit Treasurer Costello that Senator Jesus Campbell, the man who was morally and politically compromised by his 20 minute meeting with ex-crook Brian Burke, will have so atoned for his sin that his state of moral and political compromise will expire after the election. Such is the unfailing power of forgiveness. However, no such forgiveness for Satan Kevin Rudd. He is just too wicked and evil and morally and politically compromised. Besides, Senator Jesus Campbell did not lay down his ministry for All mankind, only for the Chosen Ones. I believe! I believe! He lives!